Blog: Conflict

Locking Horns-by Heidi McLaughlin

Posted: October 7, 2021

There are vineyards all around me, plus the bonus of a ready-made family of 15 deer. Male, female and many adorable bambis and they’ve taught me a lot.  They love most flowers including rose bushes, cedars, and almost anything with green leaves. They’ve made me want to pull my hair out when I’ve had to replant my front flower bed for the third time and stare at me through the window while I’m watching TV. But last week they gave me a two-hour teachable moment. Two of the males locked horns. It was heartbreaking to watch. The clicking-clacking of the interlocked horns. The pushing, shoving and writhing backwards and sideways. Their grunting expressed their agony and I was unable to help them. Both were in pain but could not get away from each other.  They were stuck! They were stuck! It became a “God moment “ where the Holy Spirit…

Posted in: accept and allow, betrayal, break free, Conflict, Control, deer head locks, Differences, fighting, forgive one another, Forgiveness, Freedom, Friendship, head lock, Heavenly Father, Intimacy, Kindness, relationships, set free, unlock

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When Life Squeezes You-by Heidi McLaughlin

Posted: August 29, 2021

I squeezed a lot of lemons this summer. Trying to stay fresh during heat waves, smoke from forest fires and lemon water for keeping my summer company hydrated. I squeezed lemons for lemon water, canning peaches, and grilling salmon. The results were always the same; lemon juice came out. But of course, when something is squeezed whatever is on the inside will come out. The Bible puts it this way: “…for out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks” (Luke 6:45). We’ve been squeezed the last 19 months and it’s a daily struggle. You’re all glued to the news these days so I don’t have to list all the lemons. So how are you dealing with the restrictions, disappointments, polarized opinions and those “other” people that annoy you? Are your true lemon colours showing up? Have you become angry, defensive, blaming, gone into depression or withdrawn? Or do…

Posted in: adversity, anger, anxious, ask for help, Beauty from the Inside Out, Christ in us, Conflict, disappointments, Faith, feeling bad, Finding Truth, Forgiveness, from glory to glory, God's promises, lemonade, lemons, Overcoming Struggles, Prayer, squeezed, transformation, trust, trust Good, worry

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When Is It A Deal-Breaker?-by Heidi McLaughlin

Posted: September 8, 2019

We don’t like lying, broken promises or unmet expectations. It’s hurtful, unfair and we feel betrayed. And it’s not nice or right. I know of a married couple that got a divorce because he broke the deal. The agreement was that if the wife had to pitch in and help with alimony payments, the marriage was done. That ended the marriage. Now they’re onto their third attempt for happiness. I also know of parents that have lied to their children, and it’s hard for the family to move on because trust has been broken. This hurt is justified and the human response is to withdraw and resist. But is this a deal-breaker? I often wonder the same thing. When we write/text encouragement and love notes and there is never a response. Do we continue? Is the “non-response” a deal breaker? When something gets too needy and tiresome or we feel over-burdened,…

Posted in: anger, betrayal, Christ, Conflict, deal-breaker, disappointments, emotional abuse, Expectations, Forgiveness, God's love, Jesus, love, physical abuse, sexual abuse, trust

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My Resentment Box-by Heidi McLaughlin

Posted: June 23, 2019

We want to be nice girls so we stuff our feelings, paste on a plastic smile and carry on. Inwardly the heart churns and toxic fumes accumulate as we drink our own poison hoping the other person will die.  Resentment is the number one killer of relationships, especially marriages. I’m a beaten up expert on this topic as I learned how to recognize and survive this toxic crisis in my first marriage.  I recall how each time I felt resentment, I wanted to pick up a rock and throw it toward my enemy.  But because I tried to have harmony in the home I hid the rock (my anger) and put it into a pretty little imaginary box where it would be nice and safe. I was clueless about the dangers of ultimate explosions. I did not know that resentment was: Feeling heartbroken after exerting a great deal of effort…

Posted in: Communication, Conflict, confront conflict, decisions, Expectations, faulty thinking, Forgiveness, Friendship, grief, happy, honest, intimacy destroyer, listen, Making Wise Choices, personalities, Resentment, suffering, Tension

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Winning at All Costs: Can you Afford it?

Posted: September 6, 2016

Today I have invited my friend Deb DeArmond as my guest blogger. Deb and her husband Ron are authors, teach at marriage conferences and have written a brilliant book called DON’T GO TO BE ANGRY: Stay up and Fight. I highly recommend this book for its wisdom and practical tools for a Godly and healthy marriage. Below is just a snippet of what you will find in their authentic teaching. DEB’S STORY: “You process faster than I do. You talk faster than I do. And if you want to “win”—you’re on a roll. But if you want the best solution Deb, one we can both fully support, we need to slow this conversation down and really listen to one another.” It was a moment. Do I want to win? Or do I want the best solution? My solution IS the best one, therefore, I win! Good thing my husband, Ron,…

Posted in: angry, Communication, companionship, Conflict, Differences, fighting, Finding Truth, good conversation, Good Marriage, honesty, Listening, Making Wise Choices, wining, winning

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K.I.S.S. MARRIAGE-Untangle the Tinsel

Posted: December 14, 2015

I realize when I talk about tinsel on Christmas trees it’s in the same category as VHS and Pac man. Tinsel holds a special place in my heart because in our home the execution of tinsel had to be done perfectly. No more than three or four strands on the end of each branch, and if you don’t have the patience for that; well then go and finish your apple cider. But we had a dog. A big dog named Brutus! I can’t recall the many times we came home from an event to find our magnificent tree on the floor. A tangled mess of bulbs, candy canes, lights and oh the tangled tinsel. Trying to untangle tinsel left our family frustrated and snapping at each other. “Who left the dog on the house anyway?” “Who is going to clean up this mess?” “Come on you guys, everyone has to…

Posted in: adversity, Balancing life, Christmas, Conflict, Expectations, Good Marriage, happy, Laughter, Making Wise Choices, Overcoming Struggles, Peace, Pleasure, Simple, smart, Tension, untangle

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THE K.I.S.S. MARRIAGE-Faulty Accusations

Posted: June 13, 2015

Asking good questions and find truth about other people’s actions is crucial for our happiness. If we harbour faulty accusations of “why” someone did or said something, it can build resentment and destroy a relationship. One of the greatest tools of the enemy (also called the Accuser) is to implant faulty accusations and then divide and conquer. If Satan can destroy our marriages and families, that destruction can filter down into our churches, communities, schools and government. Everywhere. Faulty accusations usually start small, and then take on a life of their own. For example: You tell your spouse you need a new kitchen appliance or a new patio set. His answer is simply “No.” You are annoyed and in your mind you accuse him of being stingy, small minded and uncaring. The next time you are with your girlfriends you tell them how he doesn’t care about your needs. Your…

Posted in: accusations, Assumptions, communicate, companionship, Conflict, Expectations, faulty thinking, Finding Truth, Good Marriage, Harmony, honest, intimacy destroyer, Listening, love, Making Wise Choices, Overcoming Struggles, Resentment, satan, Understanding each other

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A K.I.S.S. MARRIAGE – Interruptions

Posted: March 3, 2015

There is one interruption that I know would put a huge smile on my face. Imagine this. It’s my birthday coming up and my husband gives me a simple card and an umbrella. Inside the card it says this. “I hear it rains in Paris at this time of the year.” It would take me but a minute to go down into the basement and get my suitcase. Most interruptions are not pleasant and come at inopportune times and have the possibility to wreck our ideal life. I’m not talking about the little annoyances like running out of gas in the middle of winter or spilling coffee all over your new white shirt. I’m talking about interruptions that change the course of our hopes and dreams. For Instance: One of your unemployed children is moving back home. You just discovered that your spouse is addicted to pornography. Your children are…

Posted in: Balancing life, Beauty from the Inside Out, Commitment, Communication, companionship, Conflict, Encouragement, Finding Truth, Friendship, Good Marriage, Harmony, Intimacy, Laughter, Listening, love, Making Wise Choices, Overcoming Struggles, Peace, pornography, power of words

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UNLEASHING THE K.I.S.S. MARRIAGE-Kindness is like Honey

Posted: November 1, 2014

For the month of November my home church, Trinity Baptist in Kelowna, reaches out to the community with intentional acts of kindness. As I was writing an article about the different ways we can show kindness, I scoured my mind for creative and radical ways to show kindness throughout our city.  One intentional act of kindness I always do is pay for the person behind me when I go to Wendy’s drive through for their Supreme Taco salad.  I love driving away and wondering what the person behind me must be thinking. “Why in the world would that woman in front of me do that?  I wonder what she’s up to? I always drive away fast enough so that they never catch up to me or find out. I love the intrigue knowing I have brought delight into someone’s life. This morning was my time to clean out all the…

Posted in: Beauty from the Inside Out, Beauty Unleashed, companionship, Conflict, Friendship, Good Marriage, Harmony, Intimacy, Kindness, Laughter, love, Making Wise Choices, Overcoming Struggles, power of words, Uncategorized, Understanding each other

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UNLEASHING THE K.I.S.S. MARRIAGE- FIGHTING WITHOUT SHAME OR BLAME (Part 2)

Posted: September 24, 2014

I saw a newscast video on CNN last week that showed a young boy standing by the side of the road holding a sign that said, “I hit little girls.” The boy’s dad used this cruel masquerade as punishment for bad behavior. When the mom found out what was going on she was rightfully furious. She protested because she knew this would cause her son immense shame for the rest of his life. She also hinted at the fact that the dad was doing to his son that which had been done to him. Shame, if not dealt with, gets passed on. As you are reading this you might suggest shame does not apply to you, but let me assure you that shame is universal. Blaming, gossiping, name calling, bullying are behaviors that have permeated our culture. We all have it in some degree and the greatest antidote to destroying…

Posted in: Communication, Conflict, Control, Differences, Finding Truth, Freedom, Friendship, Good Marriage, Intimacy, intimacy destroyer, Listening, love, power of words, secrets, Tension, Understanding each other

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