UNLEASHING THE K.I.S.S. MARRIAGE – Surviving Sabotaging our Marriage
Posted: February 4, 2012
There are at least 10 ways to kill a marriage without realizing you are doing it. I am a big believer of looking at all the positive, grateful aspects in every relationships; especially marriages. But today I am going to give you a list of DON’TS that will be your guideline to surviving sabotage. The 10 items I am going to list are aspects of behavior that were modeled for you and you have learned to follow. These were the people who had influence in your life such as our parents, teachers, magazines, TV sitcoms, movies, neighbors, siblings or even misguided bible teaching. But we all have to let go of old belief systems that are simply not working for us.
1. DON’T: Hide your resentment. Every time you feel hurt, overlooked, rejected or unloved, don’t smile and tuck it away. Each resentment that is not dealt with is like poison in your soul and will destroy your marriage. Resentment is the number ONE marriage killer.
2. DON’T: Belittle your spouse in front of your friends. Men are the most sensitive creatures on planet earth (Research shows this: (Shauntie Feldhahn, For Women Only, What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men, (Colorado Springs: Multnomah Publishers, 2004) 40, 41. When you belittle your spouse, you diminish him and kill his spirit.
3. DON’T: Nag him to death. I know there are endless things that need to be done, but you are not his mother. The more you nag the more you will push him away.
4. DON’T: Leave him endless lists. Remember, men don’t have the ability to multi task the way women do. Leaving him endless lists will only confuse and frustrate him. He probably will end up doing nothing.
5. DON’T: Correct his driving abilities. Even if you are going around the block 10 times, bite your tongue, look out the window and pray that you will soon find your destination.
6. DON’T: Complain about him to your mother. He will find out and he will feel diminished.
7. DON’T: Spend so much time with your own activities and girlfriends that he will begin to feel like he’s playing second fiddle.
8. DON’T: Second guess his authority in front of the children. If you want your husband to be the head of the home, let him follow through on his decisions even it means he will fail and you may have to pick him up.
9. DON’T: Take his love for granted. He needs to know every day that you love him and respect him.
10. DON’T: Push him away and tell him you’re too busy when he needs you. Remember the sensitivity part in point #2.
There are more; but this is a good start. INSTEAD, do what I have done for most of my married years. “Pray that you will learn how to love your husband the way he needs to be loved.” This may sound one-sided and you may be asking, “What about my needs?”
Here is the strange but beautiful supernatural change that happens. The bible tells us: “Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows” (Galatians 6:7 NIV).
When we choose to sow love, respect, honor and kindness…over time it WILL come back to us. That is God’s word to us. I believe it because I have lived it. I pray this will happen in your marriage as well. This is the way to survive sabotage.
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Great words, Heidi. Thank you!
ox
This was beautiful! It’s exactly what needs to be done and I like the part at the end about following this plan and the blessings will be returned to you.
Thank you Kim and Brenda for your comments. It is true, when we honor our husbands, that love and honor WILL come back on us. It’s a supernatural law!
I am so sick and tired of the burden being on the wife to make this work. REALLY! Push him away????? Most sensitive creatures on the planet???? Especially in the Christian sector, this is 95 percent of the time the burden of the wife. Why is this the message that keeps being presented to us women? Instead, little boys need to grow into mentally AND EMOTIONALLY mature MEN and be responsible for their feelings. Why do I not ever come across this list of advice stating that husbands are to also do the same for their wives? It says to not be their mother when it comes to nagging, but isn’t all of that advice on “handling them in a certain matter just another form of mothering them? We’re talking out of both sides of our mouth here! All we’re doing is babysitting egos and feelings! Welcome back to the 1920’s. You know, this reminds me of how the bible can be used in such a twisted, one-sided way. Just as it was in the days of slavery…slave “masters” (read) to their slaves that they were to love their enemies, turn the other check, forgive 70 times 70, and to obey their masters. Now, we all know that the institution of slaver was the most hideous and ungodly crime that could have ever been committed against a race of people, by another race of people. And we knew then it wasn’t right. I think the same is being done with men and their positions in the marriage today, and women have bought into this peculiar institution. Take the burden of of him, and wear it ourselves. Forgive his many faults and just be a good wife, but we should look to God who will take care of our needs. Sounds like the same message the slave owners were feeding to their slaves. Never mind how I treat you, you just treat me well, and you’ll reap what you sow and be given your reward from God. Well, all of those things on the list on how to handle our husbands should be taken care of should also be handled, BY GOD. Please, please stop making excuses for these men. And how interesting is it that women are called the weaker sex. REALLY????? I believe it we truly were to hear from God about the responsibilities of each partner in the marriage, we’d be surprised. Yeap, just like the slave owners who made themselves appear right according to scripture, I believe men have convinced women that the role set up for them is right, according to the scripture, when its really all twisted to benefit the majority.