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Posted: April 15, 2011

Once the chemical magic wears off in a relationship, we get into the nuts and bolts of what makes us tick. There has to be more to a fulfilling home life than the grinding routine of vacuuming dog hairs, running children to soccer, paying the mortgage and fertilizing the grass. If we don’t know what makes our spouses’ hearts pound, gives them fulfillment and spurs them on to become better people, we miss the mark in what marriage was intended to be.

One of the hardest questions we will ask each other is this, “What are your 3 greatest needs?” We may actually think this is a dumb, easy question, but in fact it is the most essential one you will ever ask your spouse AND yourself. We all have deep emotional needs, physical, spiritual needs, that if they are not met, we will slowly die inside.

So first ask yourself, “What are my greatest emotional needs?” Before you can verbalize them to your spouse YOU need to know what they are. For example, mine are:

  1. I need to be heard.  If I am talking to you and I feel you are not listening to me, I will shut down; feel de-valued, rejected and hurt. Please listen to my words not just with your ears but with your heart.
  2. I need to be accepted for who I am right now. No, I’m not this wonderful person that doesn’t need to change, but today I am the best I can be the way God has created me. Help me to change, but do it with love, not criticism, put downs or manipulation. Help me to become a better person.
  3. When I ask for help, give it to me. I am a very confident, capable woman, but when I ask for help please give it to me. Don’t ignore me, or dismiss my need as insignificant.  My need must be validated by you trying to help me.

The reason I gave you my 3 needs in detail is to help you discover yours. You have to be able to define and verbalize the areas in your soul that need filling. If these longings are ignored or de-valued; over time they will either close up and die or become angry.

So now you need to find your spouses’ greatest needs. It is imperative that you do! If you don’t you will only be skimming the surface of your marriage relationship and never experience the fulfillment, intimate joy of connecting as a “heart connection” level. For example, one the men’s greatest needs is that; they need your respect. You may already know that, but “what does that look like for your spouse?” Ask him to give you ideas, pictures and ways you can meet/show that respect. If your spouse does not get that respect from you, he will find it somewhere else. Guaranteed.

May I suggest that in the next two weeks, you intentionally set aside and evening with your spouse. Set aside a quiet time for a nice dinner, light some candles; put a tulip in the middle of the table and say to him, “Honey, I love you so much I want to make sure I am the kind of wife God intended me to be. Help me be that kind of person by letting me know your 3 greatest needs.”

God is the one who designed marriage and He is the one who tell us how to live together. The bible gives us practical, powerful insights:

  1. “Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves” (Romans 12:10)
  2. “Accept one another…” (Romans 15:7)
  3.  “Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud…” (Roman 12:16).

These 3 verses are about helping one another in establishing a beautiful, intimate loving marriage relationship.

It all starts with 3 main things.


Posted in: Beauty from the Inside Out, Encouragement, Expectations, Friendship, Good Marriage, Intimacy, Making Wise Choices, Overcoming Struggles, Pain Pleasure

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