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Overcoming Resentment

Posted: June 14, 2016

Looking into eyesStatistics explain that resentment is the number one killer of marriages. That may seem shocking or surprising but think about it this way. Two people come into an intimate relationship with different personalities, unspoken expectations, various cultural backgrounds and wanting the other person to make them blissfully happy. The silent, toxic killer is the “unspoken expectation.”

For example: You’ve had a crushing day at work, gritted your teeth through the traffic jams, picked up groceries on your way and now it’s time to make a healthy family meal. Your husband picked up the children and by the time you arrive home everyone is hungry, tired and crabby.   While you are trying to cook a meal, empty the dishwasher and keep the children happy, your husband is laying back on the recliner checking CNN news and Sports Illustrated. Every time you look over your feel taken for granted, frustrated and angry. This happens every time and you are sick and tired of it.   But you are trying to keep harmony in the home, set a good and loving example for your children, and not cause an ugly scene. But it hurts that he doesn’t see how tired you are, and because of that, you feel unloved overlooked. So you stuff your anger. You smile, grit your teeth and carry on.

The hurt and anger lingers and that is called “resentment.” Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. It is toxic bile that builds up in your soul and if it is not dealt with, it will not only destroy your soul and could end your marriage. So how do you deal with these ongoing expectations that leave you feeling disappointed, empty, unloved and then angry? Here is what I have learned to far:

  1. We ask ourselves: “If he really loved me, wouldn’t he just know that I need help? Wouldn’t he know that I need help with the baths, the shopping or simply just listen to me?” The fact is they probably DON’T know that. My first husband taught me that if I needed something from him, I had to explain it clearly and use my words.   I actually ask to ask him for help. For the most part this always worked.
  2. Most loving husband do not mean to intentionally hurt their wives. In fact, they want their wives to be their best friends. So it is up to you to tell them “how it hurts you when they don’t respond to your cry for help. “ Women we need to be careful here. This needs to be done as sensibly as possible with the least amount of drama and tears. Once the tears start, most men don’t know how to respond, but in your own loving way you have to try to make them understand.
  3. Learn to identify your resentment and catch it when you feel it coming on. Decide to do one of two things.
    1. Confront it (as stated above)
    2. Let it go. Many times it’s just not worth the battle and often times it is our own unrealistic expectations. You have to decide when it is OK to let it go
    3. When you let it go. LET IT GO! Forgive him and move on.   Don’t hang onto to it because then it is still resentment.
    4. Look what the Bible says: “The fool who provokes his family to anger and resentment will finally have nothing worthwhile left. He shall be the servant of a wiser man” (Proverbs 11:29 LIVING).

When we allow resentment to build up in our hearts, it will destroy intimacy, sex, harmonious conversations and your love. In fact, resentment will emerge in ugly ways such as put-downs, sarcasm and coldness.

My friends, do not let resentment destroy the love you once experienced and treasured. I honestly believe that if resentment is dealt with on a regular basis intimacy, love and laughter will again be the wonderful flavour in your homes.







Posted in: communicate, Expectations, Friendship, good conversation, Good Marriage, Harmony, honesty, Intimacy, Listening, Resentment, SEX, true love, Understanding each other

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