It’s the love month and I wonder how many of us are getting it right. I love what Rick Warren says in best selling book, “What on Earth Am I Here For?” He gets it right by quoting that the way to spell love is T.I.M.E.
We can always earn more stuff, but we can never earn more time. One of life’s greatest regrets is: I wish I had spent more time with the people I love. Our restless nature craves to be understood, accepted and loved. But many have lost their way and are looking for fulfillment in all the wrong places. Here are 4 ways to recapture and recalibrate our precious time.
T – TAKE TIME TO LOOK UP AND DIG DOWN
It’s time to lay down our technology, look into each other’s eyes and engage in intimate, honest and meaningful conversations. We must dig behind words and our emotions to find out what the other person is really saying. For example, when a wife says: “Don’t touch me”, it could mean: “You said you would take out the garbage last night and you didn’t do it …again.” Or: “You said you would help put the children to bed but you worked late again.”
We need to stop and take the time to say: “Tell me what you really meant.” You will be amazed at the real story behind the encrypted words.
I – INVEST IN A GOOD STORY I am a book junkie. When I am on vacation and find a great book, I often have the lights on until 2:00 in the morning. I find extreme pleasure in a well-written and engaging narrative.
You and I are created with a craving for pleasure. In our marriages and all relationships we must take time and be intentional about creating good stories. For example: A number of years ago one of my sons-in-law created a great story by orchestrating a mystery trip for his family. He packed everyone’s overnight bags and told his wife and children to get into the car and look for clues. The mystery unfolded as they arrived at a ski resort where they enjoyed a weekend of reconnecting and making new memories. He created a great story.
If I don’t like the first 2 or 3 chapters of a book, I will usually put it down. We must take time to invest in the kind of stories that will leave people feeling connected and fulfilled.
M – MOVE FROM FEELING TO DOING When we are hurt, angry, or feel overlooked, we can’t stay in that “mad place”. Unresolved injured feelings build up resentment toxins that eventually destroy us. We must take TIME to stop and move from our hurt feelings to doing something about them. Vulnerability and honest communication allows the Holy Spirit to find truth, offer forgiveness and sustain harmony.
E- EXPECT THE BEST AND ACCEPT THE WORST It’s important we take time to encourage one another and build each other up in the gifts and abilities that God has given to us. This is not a competition, comparison or power struggle. In the same way that iron sharpens iron, we need to “sharpen each other” to be our very best. But none of us are perfect. When the other person messes up or we feel misunderstood we have to get off our high horse and show grace. We need each other. When the rest of the world judges or criticizes us, we need our spouse or best friend to protect us and be in our corner.
The greatest gift we can give someone is our time. All of these suggestions take TIME, but they will bulletproof marriages and relationships and give us the pleasure, intimacy and love we are all looking for.
Over Christmas I fed my body a little too much and it grew. You know what I’m saying. Maybe yours did too? Because what we feed grows. When we water and feed our houseplants, they grow rich and beautiful. When we feed our children they grow up to be big beautiful human beings.
What we feed grows.
So we have to ask ourselves, “What I am feeding?” I have to be honest; there are hard days with big problems that I can’t solve. As a result I feed self-pity. There are times when I look at my circumstances and I feel like I might drown. What do I feed? Self-defeat, I’m not smart enough to solve my problems.
Sometimes I feel like somebody is disappointed in me and doesn’t like me. Maybe I’ve done something wrong. What do I feed? I feed unworthiness. I’m not good enough, not likeable.
So what do I do?
Often it helps when I look outside at nature. Because outside my windows I see big, majestic mountains that are bigger than my problems. It clearly reminds me: “I lift my eyes to the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of Heaven and earth.” (Psalm 121:1-2).
I am jostled out of my self-pity and defeat and tells me my help does not come fro trying harder, working better or smarter. My help comes from my LORD who made the Heavens and earth. The LORD is the only one who knows my life inside and out. The LORD gives me the Holy Spirit, which gives me wisdom to make wise and good decisions. That propels me to go into God’s word and feed my soul with His promises.
Because what we feed grows: So start FEEDING.
So start eating the word of God, whose promises will help you take your eyes off your circumstances and feed your soul with the truth of God’s word.
We’ve heard the saying: “We are what we eat.” So I ask you, what are you feeding your soul? It will change your life from feeling hopeless and pitiful, to hope filled and powerful.
It was May 2020 and three months had gone by without me receiving any human connection or a hug. The isolation of Covid did that to us. We were saving lives by locking ourselves up in our homes; so they said. Being single, an extrovert and someone who thrives on the companionship and joy of being with other people, I was slowly dying inside. It was the end of May and I agreed to meet my friend Joanne to remove rocks in preparation of a horse compound. We arrived together, got out of our cars, looked both ways (to make sure nobody was watching us hug) and hugged like crazy. It felt so good and right, and tears flowed down my cheeks.
Oh the power of a loving hug.
When we’re thrown in jail for a crime we’ve committed, the biggest punishment is being put into solitary confinement. Society knows thi s is where we slowly die from within. This week there is an article in the news that says: “We can live without sex but we can’t live without human touch.” During the Covid confinement we were told isolation saved lives, but the truth is, over time isolation kills us from the inside out. “Newborn babies are experiencing everything for the first time, including their first touch from mom and dad. This early contact helps promote healthy psychological and physical development. Lack of physical contact can prevent normal development and can even lead to higher rates of illness or death in infants.” [1] This can cause a tragic development called “failure to thrive.”
Failure to thrive
This almost wrecks me when I write this because we are entering into an age of isolation where we are failing to thrive. The antibiotic or cure for this new malaise is human touch or the beauty of a long, meaningful hug. People around us are slowly dying and you and I can do something about it. This Christmas season forget about spending hundreds of dollars of useless gifts. Look around into the eyes of someone who is lonely, in grief or feeling overlooked. Just tell them: “Hey, get ready, I’m coming in for a big hug.” Then do it and you’ll be surprised how much it will make YOU feel better.
[1] https://www.hellomotherhood.com/article/72120-effect-human-contact-newborn-babies/ December 7, 2023
It feels like we’ve lost trust the last few years. Trust in our relationships, workplaces and churches. Because I’m a curious person I’ve felt this for some time and it was affirmed to me in the last Global Leadership Summit in October of this year. Craig Groeschel, pastor of Life Church hit it out of the park with his opening keynote session on trust. It gripped my heart as he affirmed what I’ve been feeling for some time. The loss of trust. I think most of who listened to this nodded as well. He said that to rebuild trust we need: transparency + empathy + consistency=trust.
Wow that hit me.
Over the past few years it seems we’ve split into camps through Covid, politics, the state of the world and our daily interactions. I think one thing missing out of that formula is TIME. We need to make time to listen to our stories authentically and being vulnerable and honest. And to ask a lot of questions.
Authentically speaking and listening is the essence of strong and loving relationships and I don’t think we’re taking the time for that. Every time we make an assumption of someone or something, we’re creating our own story and that becomes our reality. There is a chance that story is a lie or misunderstanding
In the last two weeks I’ve had one of those authentic conversations with an intentional heart of empathy. Some raw wounds were opened and honest words were spoken. But I know without a shadow of a doubt that we are on a road back to rebuilding trust.
We have to be consistent and know it will take time.
With the world being so divided, as Christians we need to set a different example of rebuilding trust and pursuing unity. Covid hurt and divided many churches and families. The ONE thing Jesus asked of us is to be united to show the world how to love. “May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me” (John 17:22).
I used to be such a trusting person; I never doubted people’s motives or words. We’ve all been hurt but there is a way back. Let’s write Craig’s formula onto our hearts and begin to live it out. May God be with you.
When a word keeps showing up I believe God is trying to teach me something. That’s part of the enchantment. Today I was intentional about practicing enchantment. Here’s what is looked like. On my 5 km walk I decided to put away my phone and NOT listen to any sermons or podcasts, I chose to let God enchant me.
Let me explain.
Today before Canadian Thanksgiving 2023, the day is showing off its glory. It’s 22 degrees Celsius, no clouds in the sky, the trees and foliage are golden yellow and orange and from just the angle the lake is a sparkling diamond. With every step I soak in the extravagant beauty and at times almost overcome with tears. Walking up towards the Mission Hill Winery I encounter 2 beautiful young women who are awkwardly trying to take a selfie. I offer to take their picture, and then have a lovely conversation before I continue on. Soon it felt hotter than anticipated and when some shade shows up I welcome it with open arms. At the top of Mission Hill I find a park bench, sit down and spend some time messaging my granddaughter and leaving a voice message for my son. Toward the end of my walk is a hill of painted rocks and I take the time to linger over each piece of art and creation. When I arrive home I sit on my front steps to cool off.
I feel like I have been in the presence of God.
And that’s what enchantment can do for us. In Roger Helland’s book called PURSING GOD’S PRESENCE, he says this: “Cultivate the discipline of awareness where you daily notice and marvel at God’s glory in creation-the practice of enchantment. Beauty attracts us. It is crammed into God’s glory. The heavens declare the glory (kavod) of God and the sky above proclaims his handiwork (Psalm 91:1).
Awe and wonder are essential to the human experience.
It helps us to remember the majesty, greatness and awe of God. We’re all stampeding through life at millisecond rates, so focused on our agendas and devices we don’t often look up to remember where our help comes from “The maker of Heaven and Earth (Psalm 121).” We must stop and once again become enchanted with the wonder and lavish beauty of God all around us. Taking time to do this enlarges the size of our God who can do the impossible, and shrinks those things that will someday evaporate into nothingness.
If I want to experience the presence, glory and power of God, I must learn to practice enchantment. Today I made a decision to encounter God and I’ve had the most extravagant experience. In spite of your circumstances, what can you do to practice enchantment?
Beware of the deadly 3 “D’s”. It starts with discouragement, catapults into despair and may end up in depression. Some how you’ve ventured into a dark cave and found there was no light to guide you out. Your aching body feels heavy and fatigued. Your mind is ruminating, you can’t focus and you keep chewing over the scene of your mess, failure, loss or disappointment. I know every one of you reading this has experienced at least one of the deadly “D’s”. It’s a horrible place to be in, and we need to help one another getting out of our cave.
That’s where you come in. We all need to take part in being God’s hands and feet on earth to lift up those going through one of the 3 “D’s”. If you are the one going through one of the “D”s right now, I pray that someone reading this blog will jump in to rescue you from the cave. Here is how we can all help.
Every one of us has a purpose on this earth. Perhaps today is your time to help someone with one of the deadly 3 “D’s”.
If you knew you only had thirty days to live, what is one thing in your life that you would stop right now?” This provoking question started a lively discussion amongst my group of friends. After much animated banter, one main theme came into focus; stop the life-sucking “shoulds”out of our daily activities. We agreed that many of us cave into guilt-induced obligations. We are afraid that we will disappoint people or they might not like us. The discussion became livelier as we tried to determine the obligations we needed to let go so that we could enjoy the vibrant, fulfilling life that Jesus came to model for us.
There is one prevailing statement I hear these days: “I am so tired!”It is a proven statistic that today we sleep 1-1/2 hours less that we did one hundred years ago.[i] More motor vehicle accidents are being reported because both men and women are falling asleep at the wheel. There is an increase of sleep disorders, illnesses, depression and anxiety. What does this have to do with the “shoulds” in our daily activities? Many of us are working very hard to meet the demands of every day existence, but sadly, we also succumb to the guild induced “shoulds” that deplete our energy, cause our stress and rob us of freedom and joy.
Whenever I am in doubt, I look to Jesus who modeled the abundant, fulfilling life. I can visualize him looking around at a ragged, bunch of over-zealous, overburdened humans and He was compelled to say: “Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly” (Matthew 11:29 MSG).
Whenever I read that verse I want to curl up in His lap and unburden my soul. I want to get away from all the unnecessary shoulds in my life and learn how to live the “unforced rhythms of grace.” I need to be confident and bold enough to say “yes” to only those things that I have been created to do. Marcus Buckingham, the author of Find Your Strongest Life, says this about the shoulds. “Because you neglect the specific moments that strengthen you, your life gradually becomes filled up with the grab bag of activities and responsibilities. You may have a good reason for taking on each of these responsibilities-everything from…’If I don’t do this, no one else will’ to A good mother should do this.” [ii]Unfortunately this barrage of demands makes women feel responsible and we end up doing things that are not part of God’s plan for our lives.
So how do we find those “unforced rhythms of grace” and begin to say no to the “shoulds” and find that rest we so desperately need? Let’s walk with Jesus and learn from Him:
Trying to please everyone in this life is exhausting; it drains us of energy and we succumb to the authority of other people instead of Christ. Oh that we might learn to let go of some of the ugly “shoulds” in our life and move into step with Jesus as we practice the unforced rhythms of grace.
[i] http://psychcentral.com/lib/2010/sleep-deprived-nation/ (August 24th, 2012)
[ii] Marcus Buckingham, Find Your Strongest Life: What the Happiest and Most Successful Women Do Differently (Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson, 2009) 90, 91.
It’s true. As we get older we accumulate more experience and wisdom and see life through different lenses. Clearer insight comes after years of struggling, disappointments, victories, success and failures. We work so hard to get to that place of “we did it”. Everything we’ve worked for so hard has finally come to fruition. That should ultimately satisfy us.
But there’s always more isn’t there?
I’ll finally be happy when I pay off the mortgage, get my children into a good school, get that promotion at work, have a hefty retirement fund and the granite countertops. As an author and speaker it’s always about the next big speaking engagement, next book contract, next trip and writer’s conference. It’s about making the right connections, social media numbers and book sales. This has been my life for over 20 years and it’s been a super, exciting ride of hard work but also much joy and many accomplishments.
But eventually, the next big success is nothing more than the ice-cream flavour of the week.
My most important, greatest joy and accomplishment is right under my nose. My children that God gave me as a gift. A gift that needed to be nurtured, trained, disciplined, prayed for and enjoyed. I call it an accomplishment because at times it was hard work. The teenage years had their struggles and angst. The years of praying for my daughter’s infertility and my son when his first marriage fell apart had me daily on my knees. The grief we all suffered after the death of both my beloved husbands, and my children lost their two fathers.
I call it an accomplishment because we’ve all worked hard.
I look back and see my children as my hardest work of prayer but also my greatest joy. I’ve always loved my children passionately and wholeheartedly. In fact I call them “my heartbeats walking around the outside of my body.” If I never wrote another book, never had another speaking engagement or a big successful project, I would still consider myself the most successful and accomplished woman on planet earth because of my amazing children.
They are my love, my joy and my legacy.
As I observe the coming and goings in their life my heart overflows with wow moments. Wow God, you let me be their mother.
Wow God, they have taken what I’ve taught them and raised the bar. Wow God they are so generous, kind and wonderful parents. Wow God, we all really like being together. Wow God, I get to see the people You created fulfill their magnificent potential.
Wow God. Thank you.
The first time it happened I was only four. “Mommy why are we stealing these lilacs?” “Do those pretty flowers belong to us?” I was bewildered as I watched my gentle mother on her tiptoes reaching and snapping the branches from the vintage purple lilac bush. Soon her arms were filled with bunches of purple and the succulent aroma made her smile from ear to ear. I must have been mistaken, my quiet and tender mother would never do anything wrong. Certainly not steal. Captivated by my mother’s joy I clung to her hand and bounced along as we headed back to our compact bungalow nestled in a small village in Germany.
World War Two left bomb shelters, broken dreams and poverty throughout Germany. Yes, the rubble was being transformed into its former beauty and culture, but families were still struggling to re-establish their former lifestyle. My young and innocent mother was confined to the bareness and poverty after a devastating war, and I knew she longed for beauty. We were very poor. There was no garden to grow fresh vegetables or soil for my mother to grow the Dahlias, Sweet Williams, pansies or carnations. Her heart yearned to fill our home with vases filled with cut flowers of every shape, color and fragrance.
When we moved to Canada it felt like paradise to have our own vegetable garden and flowerbeds. Mother and I with our knees close together, poked holes in the soil and she showed me how to gently insert the tiny seeds and cover them just right. Soon our yard represented a painting of asters, dahlias and any flowers that survived the harsh winters and cooler summers of Prince George, British Columbia, Canada. Often, I saw mother heading outdoors with a pair of scissors to cut just the right combination of flowers that filled many of our crystal vases. Finally, she had the freedom to unleash her inner desires and create a home filled with beauty, peace and fulfillment.
Over time I observed mother expressing and modeling beauty through various avenues. I was fascinated by the way she hung clothes out in the fresh air, laboriously and lovingly securing each item with the wooden cloth pegs. With perfection, she was able to iron and transform dried wrinkled messes into absolute perfection. For hours she was either on her knees or stooped over a buffing machine to wax and polish our floors until we could see our reflections. Somewhere in the house, there was always the aroma of a flower or the smell of freshly baked bread. She found it difficult to say, “I love you” but every day she reflected her love by creating images and fragrances that let us know we were the most important people in her life.
As the years passed I learned to appreciate and understand her quiet quest for peace and beauty. Now that I’m all grown up, I live in Kelowna, British Columbia, Canada. Each spring the earth awakens with Saskatoon berry blossoms, forsythia bushes and daffodils. My joy erupts when I walk through the surrounding vineyards and then along a fence where I find a particular purple lilac bush. Its branches creep outside of its normal enclosure and I just happen to have a pair of scissors in my pocket. Without hesitation I snip off a few branches, carry them home and put them into a vase to watch them burst open in all their splendour.
Through strolls in the meadows my mother cultivated my heart to explore and enjoy the simple things in life. I am so grateful that she modeled how to infuse simplicity with beauty to create a beautiful loving home. My mother taught me well.
Beautiful things draw me in like a magnet. Whether it’s a pair of shoes, the sunset over the ocean, a painting, a vase with flowers, pottery or the feel and texture of beautiful cloth. Anything which has colours, unique styles or something that brings ambiance into a room makes me yearn to reach out to it. Editors from my publishing houses have cautioned me about using the word “beautiful” too often. I’ve had to find synonyms to describe the magic and wonder of everything in God’s creation.
Describing beauty is often beyond human expressions.
I’ve often wondered why beauty impacts me so profoundly and I believe I know the answer. The Bible makes it quite clear in Ecclesiastes 3:11 “…He has set eternity in our hearts.” And in the spiritual realm we are already “…seated in the Heavenly places with Christ” (Ephesians 2:6). Our relationship with Jesus Christ gives us a spiritual glimpse of Heaven in our hearts. The apostle John tried to explain the beauty of Heaven in human terms of pearls, jewels, rainbows, gold, bronze and so much more, but I think the magnificence of Heaven is beyond our human comprehension.
Our hearts know we don’t belong on this earth.
We’re made for something much grander than the daily-ness of life, the disappointments, grief and endless work to put bread on the table and find snippets of joy. We’re made for more. God has placed his personality, beauty and enthusiasm for life into our spirit and there is longing that is beyond our human understanding. The more God awakens our hearts, the more we are drawn to live with purpose and passion.
So let beauty stir your spirit.
The next time a baby’s giggle puts a smile on your face or a worship song or painting stirs you to tears. Stop and thank God that He uses those glorious moments to remind us there is an alternate world waiting for us. One where these mysteries will help us to understand why the rainbow in a tear drop or the beauty of a butterfly leave us gasping for more.
What wakes you up in the middle of the night and stirs your passion? In those moments, what do you think God is trying to tell you?