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UNLEASHING THE K.I.S.S. MARRIAGE- “Playing Second Fiddle”

Posted: July 30, 2011

I learn everything the hard way and this time is was from burning baby back ribs.  My intentions were honorable, but it ended up all wrong.  I made a huge batch of baby back ribs; one serving for neighbors that were going through a difficult family circumstance, and one portion for our family. The ribs had cooked too long and so the outside sections were burned. I separated the ribs; the burnt ones for our family, and the succulent, perfect ribs for our neighbors. My husband Dick watched me separate the ribs and with a hurt, horrified look on his face, he quietly commented, “So we get the burnt ones?” My self-righteous, good neighborly reply was, “Yup!”

I thought I was doing a good, Godly, neighborly act of love, but in the meantime I destroyed my husband and family’s valuable place in my life.  I realized I had placed more significance on “doing good for others” than my family.  My bond with God is definitely the most reverent and valuable relationship; but after that it must be my husband and family.  Nobody wants to play second fiddle, especially not husbands. If you play second fiddle, you take a subordinate role behind someone more important. I have to make sure that the more important one is not me, or my neighbors, girlfriends, children or mother. 

Your husband will know when he is being played as a second fiddle and over time he will respond in one or two ways:

  1. Get angry, or:
  2. Withdraw.

I have had women tell me how they rely on their girlfriends to help them fill the emotional needs for conversation and fun. I am a huge advocate for girlfriends, they can help us in our relational and emotional needs in a way that many men cannot. There is a “but” here.  I have also had women tell me that their husbands have felt they are playing “second fiddle” to their wives girlfriends.  This will destroy, and emasculate your husband in ways we women cannot even understand. Remember I have told you that men are the most sensitive creatures on this planet. (Actual research as shown this), and they need to know they are more valuable than burned ribs, girlfriends or running to our mothers.

Again I am going to take you and me (because I need constant reminding) to 1 Corinthians 13:4.  Last week we looked at the word patient; and today we will look at the second description of love is “love is kind.” Kindness is a beautiful action making a powerful, intentional difference in this word.  Where and who will be the focus of this kindness? If all your kind actions are directed to things and people outside of your family; maybe someday that family will decide they are tired of “playing second fiddle.”

Ask God to help you discern how you will spread your kindness. Kindness does good things. Make sure those good things take place, first, in your home.

Posted in: Balancing life, Beauty from the Inside Out, Encouragement, Expectations, Finding Truth, Forgiveness, Friendship, Good Marriage, Intimacy, Kindness, Life of Jesus, Making Wise Choices, Pain Pleasure, Resentment, Understanding each other, Valued

3 responses to “UNLEASHING THE K.I.S.S. MARRIAGE- “Playing Second Fiddle””

  1. I have been so guilty of leaving the kindness to everyone except my husband. I am more kind of late since I haven’t had the burden of working full time outside the home, but at times I still find myself slipping back into disrespect and emotional “leftovers”. I do remember vowing 34 years ago to make him first place in my life. It’s what he signed up for. Lord, let it be so.

  2. Thank you Candy for your authenticity. There is a reason I know this topic so well, because I also struggle with it. There are so many interesting distractions out there that clammer for my attention. But God, first of all, created man and woman and made them ONE, and I believe that aside from God, our marriage relationships are the most vital. I know it takes intentional focus, because it does get comfortable and sometimes even taken for granted. We need to help each other…for sure.

    • Yes, we do need to help each other. So many marriages fall apart due to simple neglect. Nothing hugely horrible, just easier to live separate lives … checking accounts, friends, vacations, hobbies, etc. It’s almost normal to live this way in marrige now. It was certainly the demise of our son’s marriage. I am grateful that both my husband and I took our vow of oneness very seriously. The vow, the commitment to the relationship more than the person, has gotten us through many a storm.

      This is one of my passions for young people.

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