← Back to Blog


Posted: August 4, 2014

Doctor fixing heart

I hear this statement too often, “My husband/wife came home last night and told me he/she wants a divorce because she/he doesn’t love me anymore.” I flinch when I hear that sentence. Those words carry a train wreck of rejection, feelings of worthlessness and possibly the loss of a marriage, family and beautiful history. Today I want to give you fresh hope, because I believe we do not fall in and out of love.

My husband Jack and I attended a 50th anniversary celebration this weekend and throughout the evening I was again reminded about reality and power of love.  We are smart enough to know that throughout this 50 year period there were difficult times and hurtful things were said where that loving feeling probably flew out the window.

 Just days before my own daughter got married I clearly remember saying to her, “Sweetie, you need to know that there are days your husband will make you so mad, disappoint you or even hurt you so deeply, that you might actually dislike him and think that you have fallen out of love.” I remember seeing the shocked look in her eyes.  When we are in love we think this “feeling” will last forever and we can’t possibly imagine how that could ever change.

When we meet someone we really like, someone who has the same interests, who listens to us and makes us feel validated and special, our brains give us that “love feeling.” The limbic system in our brain starts the “limbic dance” and releases powerful chemicals such as oxytocin, dopamine and others.  We get a romantic feeling that is so pleasurable and powerful we surmise that we are in love. When that feeling goes away we believe we “have fallen out of love.”

When we bare our heart and soul and become extremely vulnerable and intimate with another person, we allow a part of ourselves to take root in that person’s heart. A deep, soul “heart connection” takes place. Love and intimacy is what we were created for and that is why it feels so good and right.  As long as there is harmony and that deep intimate “heart connection” relationship is safe and cared for, we feel we are in love.

But life is unpredictable and hurtful things happen:

1          You may stop “liking” how that person acts or treats you. It may be “put downs” in conversations and you no longer feel heard or valued.

2.         Your common interests, goal and values may have changed.

3.         You had expectations and they are not being met.

4.         You may be bored with the “sameness” of marriage, the constant obligations of family life and you thought it would all be more fun and interesting.

5.         A health issue, grief or disappointment pulls you apart.

6.         The most damaging one is when one partner does something that causes extreme pain.  When someone you love deeply hurts you, it as if the roots of the deep, intimate “heart connection” are injured and possibly severed. You may be so damaged that you decide you will never forgive that person and there is no hope of healing. You surmise that love is gone and you can no longer live with this person. It is time to move on.

Yes, deep unresolved pain in our marriage may make us feel we will never be able to move beyond a certain point, and that the marriage is over. But oh dear reader, there is hope. Love is not a feeling and love is not something we give or get.  Love is cultivated and it is something we nurture and grow.  Rejection, shame, blame and all other forms of pain cause the roots of our love to be damaged.  But once this wound is addressed and acknowledged, love will not only survive the trauma, but it can grow and flourish in ways you never imagined.  I know from personal experience because I have worked through this. I will give you the steps to rebuilding your love in part 2 of this series.







Posted in: Boring marriage, Commitment, companionship, Conflict, dopamine, Expectations, Finding Truth, Forgiveness, Friendship, Good Marriage, Harmony, Hope, Intimacy, love, Making Wise Choices, messes, Overcoming Struggles, Pleasure, Resentment, Uncategorized, Understanding each other

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *